Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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