Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
