i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
