Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
