Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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