Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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