Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
