we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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