Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
