i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
