dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
