Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There are leaves in my underwear?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
