i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
