I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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