Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm at about main and main street
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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