im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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