Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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