I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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