Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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