If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
