We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
