Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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