i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
