I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
