Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
