Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
