He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
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At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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