1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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