At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
