Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
