I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
