I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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