The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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