I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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