I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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