when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
