I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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