Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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