I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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