Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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