i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
