the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
