Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
