If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
