Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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