Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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