Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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