how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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