You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
