I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
