You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
