I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
