god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I could teleport
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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